Good afternoon everyone . Sorry such a late start . Like I mentioned I do not sleep at night . I can’t handle the night terrors at all .

I awoke today with a text from my bestie telling me to check my front door handle outside .

Y’all I opened it and that’s where I found my lovely new friend UNI. I can’t lie I cried like a baby . Who does that ? No one other than my BEST FRIEND !

I am so hypersensitive these days I want it to go away . I feel everything makes me cry 😢.

Have y’all ever had a day like that or days like that ? If so I wanna hear about it . I wanna know u ain’t the only one struggling with emotions and sadness .

I wish all my viewers a wonderful and blessed day . Feel free to leave comments , likes and comments !

I kept hearing about this show on Netflix and I figured let me watch it and see what it’s about . Normally I don’t watch anything violent or fake . Big REALITY watcher but SHAMELESS is an AWESOME show .

I ❤️the fact that it is so like real . It’s the real struggle of a family that really knows the struggle and stick together through it all wether right or wrong . Sorry not many families do that anymore . Speaking from personal experience . My whole family fell apart when my sister passed .

This show doesn’t hold punches at all . People are always judging this family that is poverty struck and the family really doesn’t care it only makes their glue to stick together stronger . Yes they fight and hell our family did too , but they love and they live hard.

The oldest sister is so beautiful and so responsible . She never backs down and she is always there when they need her . You hardly hear her complain just like my sis when she was here .

The father well what can I say he is Atleast there they know what he looks like . Hell we didn’t have fathers that stuck around Atleast I didn’t cause I was my moms accident . She didn’t want me to begin with .

The brothers are there when their sisters need them no matter how rough they are . I ❤️that they brought all types of sexuality into the show because that is real life .

The little sister Deb is so awesome to me . She has a big ❤️and loves her family . I couldn’t believe she stole a baby and dress him like a girl now that was too cute .

The neighbors are great . I used to watch a show called REBA and the man playing the neighbor played in that as Reba’s son in law . I never realized that man was so big . But his wife in the show is so beautiful to me .

Let’s talk about the Grandma . First thing Atleast she is trying to be there and make some kind of bond with her grandchildren . She may be a bit shifty but she is as real as you can get with a woman playing that character .

I just started watching this series I will blog again on this show later in blog .

Always feel free to leave comments , likes and follows ! Tell me how you feel about this show and how your family compares to them if you know the struggle !

Woke up with so much Anxiety this morning . I just want to cry . God knows I am really trying to ignore that urge and defeat this feeling . It’s just so much easier said then done . I think I am so tired of being let down by people and as much as I try to ignore it and act normal I can’t . Hey I ain’t normal strive everyday to make sure I ain’t . I pray God helps me shake this feeling . I am seriously so sad today . I don’t know if it’s because my kids are on my mind so much and I see them fading away so fast so clearly . I don’t know if it’s because I know I am forever gonna be alone . I am broken I accept that and the fact that we all know no one wants something or someone broken and usually the ones that do just want to make sure I am broken enough if not they wanna finish the job feel me .

I just don’t get it why people family , friends and foes feel a need to constantly make promises that they know good and damn well they never had intentions to carry out . People always speak for the moment and I hate that . I call it that cause soon as you aren’t face to face anymore that moment is gone and they really had no intentions to so shit they said . Smdh . If I just sat daily and wrote down all the false promises people always make I would have a unlimited edition of lies and false promises people make daily it’s sad .

When my babies was little I didn’t allow people to tell my kids they were gonna do shit cause I already had my hands full fulfilling myself promises to them I knew I couldn’t fill other people’s lies .

I don’t think people realize when you are dealing with someone that has PTSD you don’t wanna keep lying to us or hurting us even offensive shit said to me plays over a thousand times in my head . People always say just get over it . I wish everyone would learn there is no just get over it for me . I don’t choose to have to deal with pain over over over again and I am sure that others suffering from this don’t either . A way to fix this is people need to stop lying seems simple to me . These days I don’t think people know how to keep it 💯 real . Cause then their feelings might get hurt or when they look in the mirror they won’t like the liar they see looking back at them IJS.

Friend is just not a word I use loosely . As you might have read in my earlier blog. I feel that a friendship is another form of relationship . If you have a friend you have a type of love for them and NO love is real if it’s not unconditional. Which means you accept someone for their good and bad because we all know or should know that no one is perfect .

I have been blessed to have the same friend for 25years. Don’t get me wrong we have had a spat or two and worked it out but we are always there for each other .Me and her have been through alot together . Raising our kids and making ends meet. Wasn’t easy for us at all we had to hussle our asses off and always watch each others back.

We have moved away from each other and still ended up right back in each others backyard. Like seriously because my cabin is on her land. I do plan on moving it one day because I don’t wanna stay in Georgia . All the abuse that has happened to me was in Georgia and I feel like I can breathe better once I cross the state line. It’s like the air feels better and the ball of fire I carry in my chest daily just slowly goes away . I think maybe she will move one day also but it’s alittle more difficult for her because she owns land and still has family here but either way we will always stay in each others life.

We have only had one fight and that was after 25 years of friendship and on a day that my PTSD was at it’s peak and I snapped . It was about something so stupid at the moment but it was about my dog and I love my She-ra so much I just snapped. I felt bad afterwards for the actions I took but not the words I spoke because I feel like if I warn people that I am feeling the fire and I can feel myself fixing to snap and you still persue me to argue then that person knows whats coming. She knows me and we got past that Thank God.

Our kids are just that like our kids . Men don’t seem to stick around but it’s ok because we have leaned along time ago that we can make it with or without a man and we do just that.

I can honestly say she is my only REAL FRIEND of the same sex cause I do have some other friends that are male and they seem to always be there for me when I let them. It’s crazy cause the only one I can really tolerate is my best friend.

At times I just feel the need o shut everyone out because I feel either lost , sad , or on edge .

I do thank god for the best friend that he has given me . She is a bit goofy , very outspoken, she throws people off with the stuff she says, she is beautiful in all her own ways .

You Thought You Could Break Me

I sit and think about all that you did and I wonder did you really think that you would write my end?

Must be hard to realize that all that pain you put me through and I am still here and can look you in your eyes.

You didn’t win and probably never will. See my God knows your evils and what you tried to do, he also knew how to protect me and get me safely away from a monster like you.

Yes your hands were heavy. That is in my mind and I can never forget. As I describe them to people only thing that comes to mind is Concrete Crushers cause yes that’s how they feel. Especially when you’re hitting a woman that you thought would never fight back.

You really thought you broke me physically, mentally, emotionally and all but the one thing you forgot I am a good person and on my faith I live and by that I survived.

I am not broken maybe a little knocked off track, but that is okay because God will always have my back.

No One to Trust

Here I am all grown up. What a hard life I have seen. I was born into this world with no one to trust, see my mom was no mom at all to me. She never had a problem selling me to men that only had fantasies of violating me. So the one person you should be able to trust your Mommy. I of course couldn’t because she never even wanted me. I was born into this world a Trick Baby. Trust is not something I can do very easy. I haven’t met people that I believed only had my safety and security in mind. As I have grown I have found that I don’t need anyone else because trust is not easily found.