So today I had a therapy session . I actually have been doing very good about doing Atleast one a week right now . That’s a big step for me because I don’t think people understand me and I don’t want them looking at me with pitty. I am a survivor everyday and so are so many other people that are battling mental illness.

I am very thankful that I have such a patient and listening therapist . She has a ever so soft understanding comforting voice .

I told her like I tell any doctors I go to . Please know I am only gonna repeat my life and it’s pains once because every time I talk about it I can’t sleep or have one complete thought forever . It’s like my mind is a maze and I just need to find a door to the now and beable to lock those memories out of my head . It’s so exhausting . Here lately I keep picturing myself as a little girl sitting on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest as I am just there crying . I’m my head I am asking myself Why? Why was I in that closet and so young ? And I don’t understand why this memory keeps coming back to me . I just need to understand so it can go away .

Of course my therapist says that it’s a good thing because I am talking about things and eventually those memories won’t have so much power over me . But I am 46 years old .So at what age will they go away and stop haunting me ?

As an Adult now I hurt for me as a child . Even now I can finally think I am gonna get sleep and wake up in cold sweat crying because I thought my mom was there hitting me and pulling me by hair . Why ? Because her dogs or cats didn’t have water down . Seriously ! I love my chics and my She-ra but I would never beat my kids for them NEVER !

I don’t know I can just keep trying to work this pain out with my therapist because no one else really cares . That used to bother me but now I am numb to it .

Life with PTSD is not easy at all but I refuse to give in and let it control my whole life . It already occupies my memories and mind .

I am angry hurt and very mad at you. Who gives you the right to do what you do? As a child I was scared but I knew not to let it show because that would cause more pain for me, but pleasure for you. As a grown man you had no right to put your filthy hands on me. Of course back then mom said it was OK. That I will never understand. You knew it was wrong and didn’t care. Now that I am a grown woman I do I have a lot of pain. Why would a grown man violate a little girl that way? I have an a daughter and she is everything to me. I now in this present day will always protect her from people like you!I wonder do you have kids? A daughter perhaps? Does she know what a monster you are if you do? I will continue to pray for people like you. I pray that one day someone will see that you violate children. You violated me! Yes I am angry, angry as hell! Because you were allowed to hurt me .I wish I could see you now that I am grown I need that closure .I need you to see I survived you and the others that violated me . I made it! Yes I am a mess at times because the memories won’t leave , but I will continue to try to release these haunting memories of you. Yes yes, I am so angry and this is OK. I will hide that anger and pain, because this is how I have always been trained. I just want you and every man that violated me as a little girl to know you didn’t break me. I might be shipped or even cracked but I now wear my life scars Proudly. I am not the one that should feel ashamed! No I have learned I had no voice as that little girl, but I do have one now . I need you to hear me and hear me loudly I survived you! You didn’t break me! I am angry!