So today I had a therapy session . I actually have been doing very good about doing Atleast one a week right now . That’s a big step for me because I don’t think people understand me and I don’t want them looking at me with pitty. I am a survivor everyday and so are so many other people that are battling mental illness.
I am very thankful that I have such a patient and listening therapist . She has a ever so soft understanding comforting voice .
I told her like I tell any doctors I go to . Please know I am only gonna repeat my life and it’s pains once because every time I talk about it I can’t sleep or have one complete thought forever . It’s like my mind is a maze and I just need to find a door to the now and beable to lock those memories out of my head . It’s so exhausting . Here lately I keep picturing myself as a little girl sitting on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest as I am just there crying . I’m my head I am asking myself Why? Why was I in that closet and so young ? And I don’t understand why this memory keeps coming back to me . I just need to understand so it can go away .
Of course my therapist says that it’s a good thing because I am talking about things and eventually those memories won’t have so much power over me . But I am 46 years old .So at what age will they go away and stop haunting me ?
As an Adult now I hurt for me as a child . Even now I can finally think I am gonna get sleep and wake up in cold sweat crying because I thought my mom was there hitting me and pulling me by hair . Why ? Because her dogs or cats didn’t have water down . Seriously ! I love my chics and my She-ra but I would never beat my kids for them NEVER !
I don’t know I can just keep trying to work this pain out with my therapist because no one else really cares . That used to bother me but now I am numb to it .
Life with PTSD is not easy at all but I refuse to give in and let it control my whole life . It already occupies my memories and mind .
Perfectly Imperfect 